Boobies of the Day: July 6

I just remembered why I stopped updating this blog: It’s a real drag.

Boobies of the Day: July 4

Does it make me less of a man, or less of a music fan, to admit I like Marky Mark’s version of “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” more than Lou Reed’s version? Where do I turn my indie rocker’s card in?

Happy birthday, America.

(Marky Mark boobs.)

I’m back, baby

Well, maybe.

A lot has happened since I last updated the boobies blog.

Ed McMahon died. Michael Jackson died. My shower’s backed up, I’m still unemployed, and I haven’t gotten laid since losing my job in April. That’s life in the big city, kiddo. So it goes.

Woman of my dreams is getting married sometime next month. Not to me. Woman of the moment hasn’t returned my calls since January. And the sweet Starbucks barista I really love ignored my drunk dials the other night. Or drunk texts (it is a new technological age … of loneliness).

The North Koreans plan to attack, and my only hope is that war with them will stimulate the economy and put me back to work. Hey Uncle Barack, I’m overweight and out of shape and smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish. But I can take shrapnel with the best of them, I think. Put me in, coach. I’ve got hoop dreams. I’ve got ‘em bad.

I usually tell girls I meet in bars that I tame lions, but I’ve decided to change it up. I’m going to tell them I’m an exterminator from now on. And I’ll go on and on about the Norwegian rat, and how the name is a misnomer. The rat is actually from central Europe, and I suspect the little critter was given that moniker by an angry Swede with a vendetta. Swedes have short dicks but long memories, Kurt Vonnegut tells me, and I believe it. Anyway,rat poison works because the buggers lack a gag reflex; they can’t throw the poison up. And black ants will drown if you flood them, but red ants won’t; they form an ant ball and float to safety. They are genetically programmed to rotate so no one ant stays underwater long enough to drown. I come prepared.

Here’s a strange scenario: The boobies blog has actually grown in popularity in my absence. I know it has nothing to do with my prose. It has everything to do with Diora Baird’s cans and my smart move of getting them on the blog prior to the release of “Star Trek.” Whatever. Most of the hits come from Google images, and I realize that that translates to very few eyes on the blog itself. Seriously, I use Google images, too. I never read the text.

Anyway, we’ll continue on here, chronicling breasts and our times. I can’t say that it’ll be daily, but it’ll be semi-regularly. I promise to at least update the blog on nights I get drunk alone, which is most nights. You will agree to check back regularly. Is it a deal?

I’m alone and slightly drunk tonight. So it goes.

Miss me? I missed you.

That’ll do, pig

I think we’re done here.

Thank you to all who visited the boobies blog, especially those who commented.

Keep your chins up.

Boobies of the Day: March 23

As I continue to see the blog’s numbers drop and comments disappear, I wonder, is anyone still reading this thing?

Anyone?

Boobies of the Day: March 22

Even a floundering economy can’t stop men from wanting to pay to see boobies.

The Associated Press reports that the Foxy Lady strip club in Providence, R.I., held a job fair Saturday to fill 300 slots, including stripper, waitress and DJ.

What makes strip clubbing so economically viable in such a down economy? I have a theory: Guys like boobies.

Boobies of the Day: March 21

A few days after seeing “The Watchmen,” I’m stick struck by a few things — the extreme violence present throughout the film, the beautiful opening-credits montage played against the sound of Dylan’s endless strum and lush visuals atop Mars. But more than anything, I remember the blue shlong.

For those that haven’t seen it, there’s a Watchman named “The Blue Shlong” whose super powers include teleportation and shlong swinging.

I left the theater in awe of the movie’s look and dark themes. But more than anything, I left feeling a bit inadequate.

Boobies.

Boobies of the Day: March 20

So my alma mater got bounced from the NCAA Tournament yesterday, as expected.

Still, for a school that only made the Big Dance once before, just getting there was a proud moment.

Congrats to the team on a fine season. Boys, these boobs are for you.

Boobies of the Day: March 19

Natasha Richardson is dead, and while I can’t remember ever seeing her in anything, I found a clip of her having bizarre sex with Robert Duvall and Faye Dunaway in “The Handmaid’s Tail.” The moment’s around the 1:05 mark.

Boobies of the Day: March 18

No boobies today. Just the soulful stylings of Sam Cooke as re-envisioned by Patty Griffin. Best YouTubes eva.

Boobies of the Day: March 17

It’s Amateur Day, when Irish and non-Irish alike celebrate an ancient culture by drinking, fighting, fucking and fighting.

Every St. Patty’s Day, I go to the bar, hoping to snag a drunk chick, but instead I spend the night getting out of the way of brawling dudes and getting pushed and shoved by fat, smelly drunks standing wall-to-wall, angling for another pint.

It’s a stupid holiday, and one I should avoid.

Anyway, real playas know the best time to snag a chick is November. Girls don’t want to spend the Christmas season alone.

A distant second is Easter. I can’t say why exactly, but I’m operating under the theory that girls like bunnies.

Boobies of the Day: March 16

One of my alma maters is going to the big dance. Who cares that we’re a No. 15 seed or that we’ll easily get bounced by 30 in the opening round or that our best player is about to go on trial for allegedly burglarizing a Best Buy with the coach’s son?

I’m just glad we aren’t in that stupid-ass play-in game.

Boobies of the Day: March 15

I think I have found the strangest blog in the blogosphere: Edgar’s Toilet: A Special Place for Bathroom Enthusiasts.

The site is basically pictures of nude or scantily clad girls hovered around crappers. Weird, eh?

Anyway, Edgar seems preoccupied with women in fishnet stockings doing their business in and around toilets, so much so that “Fishnet Friday” has become a regular fixture of his blog.

I have to admit, the Boobies of the Day blog is small potatoes compared with Edgar’s masterwork.

Boobies of the Day: March 14

It’s Pi Day, but don’t get too excited, tubby.

This isn’t the banana cream or apple kind. It belongs to the slide rule and protractor set instead.

3/14, today’s date, matches the first three digits of the magical number that allows us to figure out the circumference, area and volume of circles and spheres, not that many of us have a practical need to ever figure out the circumference, area or volume of circles and spheres.

Yes, this is a made up holiday, and one that only mathmagicians and mathletes might celebrate. But it’s been a busy week, and the boobies blog is out of topics.

Sigh.

Boobies of the Day: March 13

Today is Friday the 13, and though I’ve never been one to believe the hype, I have to admit I have gotten much more superstitious in my old age.

Maybe it’s the fact that upon entering the working world, I’ve realized that most things are out of my control. Life’s a runaway train, and we’re in the back car, holding on in fear.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ll go out tonight. There’s too many crazies on a normal night, let alone a night that has come to represent so much bad luck. You should stay home, too.

Boobies of the Day: March 12

I’ve decided to make my peace with James, the creepy fan of adult breast-feeding, mainly because he’s the only person who regularly leaves comments these days.

Shame on the rest of you.

Anyway, James apparently sees nothing wrong with people breast-feeding off their mother’s breast well into adulthood. And at this point, I guess I’ll admit there are worse things. That said, I wonder what it is in James’ past that has made him such a proponent of the act?

I had a coworker who claimed to be a former NFL football player (he claimed a lot of things, and we all ultimately dismissed his charades before the boss dismissed his services). He said he and some teammates (I think he was a former Charger that week) went down to a brothel in Mexico and he paid the girl $20 American and told her to do something kinky. She squirted him in the eye with milk.

He pitched it as a coming-of-age tale where he realized this whore was someone’s mother and he no longer felt at ease with his whoremongering ways. And I guess it works, if you overlook the physics of the thing.

Boobies of the Day: March 11

I get a lot of questions about how I write the boobies blog … how I spend those introspective moments when it’s just me, the killer soundtrack and the blue screen. (At least I imagine I would, if anyone besides that creepy breast-feeeding fan James bothered to leave comments.)

It looks a lot like this:

Anyway, today’s soundtrack isn’t the electric piano. It’s a car alarm that’s been going off for about 10 minutes. I should probably go check it out, but I’m too lazy. Let’s hope it’s someone else’s car being stolen, and not mine.

Boobies of the Day: March 10

A little more on janitors.

Don’t be a janitor. Janitors are creepy.

Who can forget this public-service announcement warning kids to avoid posting scandalous pictures online?

It’s a telling commercial that comes with a proper warning: Creepy janitor is always watching. Best beware of creepy janitor.

***

Why would anyone hire a creepy janitor when the world has plenty of French maids in need of work?

French maid 1

French maid 2

French maid 3

French maid 4

Boobies of the Day: March 9

It’s sad when you find out that janitors make more in Ohio than you make in your so-called white-collar job in L.A.

Well, not more, but not that much less.

The Drudge Report over the weekend linked to a story noting that 700 had applied for a single janitor’s job at Edison Junior High School in Perry Township, northeast Ohio. The story was supposed to shock you into thinking the economy was so bad that 700 poor souls would be willing to mop up puke, unclog toilets and take guff from seventh-grade wise-asses just to have a little income. But the shock really came to those who read the hourly wage listed in the story.

Perry Township pays its janitors up to $15 an hour. That’s $31,200 a year in a corner of the world where money goes far.

I checked a salary relocation calculator and found that my coastal (and not even that coastal … I’m 3 or 4 miles from the beach) Southern California cost of living is 109 percent more expensive than it would be in the Township. Yes, I would need  job that paid $65,250 here to equal what the quality of life that janitor will have in Ohio.

Was it really the bad economy that brought prospective employees out in droves? Or was it the pay?

How much would you need to make to be willing to drop your current job to scrub up smeared feces and take an occasionl atomic wedgie from the kid smoking in the back parking lot?

Boobies of the Day: March 8

I know very little of “The Watchmen,” despite having had the plot told to me by intellectuals, comic book nerds, comic book intellectuals and intellectual nerds … oh, and literati … countless times over the past 15 years. So I wasn’t one to dress up as my favorite watchman and go camp out to see the movie 20 times this weekend.

Still, the idea of a world where Nixon is still president and the Russians are still the Cold War threat of my youth instead of the barbaric post-Cold War menace they’ve become spurs a little interest (or is it nostalgia?) in my mind. I plan to see it eventually, possibly on my day off tomorrow.

Here’s what I do know about “The Watchmen.” I know one of them’s blue and one of them’s gay. And I think the girl — I believe her character’s name is Watchwoman — is hot.

I also know Watchwoman (aka Malin Akerman) showed us her boobs in “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” thanks to the Internets.

Hooray!

Boobies of the Day: March 7

Has the boobies blog turned too economic as of late? Has the troubled economy rattled the boobies blog to its foundations and made meaningless the boobies shots and wry humor we’ve all grown to love? Will there ever be a rainbow?

I asked these questions recently to a panel of experts in boobies, the economy, the blogosphere and politics. To date, no one has returned my e-mail.

Nonetheless, I’d like to get past the weighty issues of our times, at least for a day, and get back to the boobies shots we all know and love.

Enjoy.

Here’s a picture of a skinny girl with big boobies. Hooray!

Here’s a curvy girl with small boobies. Weird.

Here’s a picture of an old lady with firm boobies. Amazing!

And here’s a picture of a woman with hardly any boobies at all.

Do we all feel better now? Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Boobies of the Day: March 6

You didn’t think I was serious? You thought I was joking?

You really believed you could get by not promoting this site and still get to see pictures of boobies?

Wrong.

Boobies of the Day: March 5

Throughout its three-month run, the Boobies of the Day blog has seen a steady increase in traffic that has propelled its daily hits to more than 1,000 a day.

Until yesterday.

For reasons I don’t understand, the boobies blog saw its Web traffic cut in half after posting four-digit days 10 times in the past 11.

Did half the world blow up when I wasn’t looking? Did a sizable percentage of the world out of nowhere turn gay? Is this just a cruel joke being played by WordPress statisticians hellbent on making mischief?

I doubt it. Mostly, I want to blame you, the reader, for not promoting our little site.

Readers, this is our boobies blog, and we together need to make it succeed. I’m calling on each of you to send a link to our site to 10 friends in the next 24 hours. Those of you who don’t have friends should spam message boards until your ISP address is banned.

Until we’re up to pre-March 4 levels, I’m replacing links to pictures of boobies with endless links to this picture.  And nobody wants that.

Thank you for your cooperation,

The boobies blog management team

Boobies of the Day: March 4

Is it me, or does this controversial nude sculpture of Michelle Obama look more like Nina Simone than the first lady?

Boobies of the Day: March 3

The economic news keeps getting grimmer.

A look at the stock charts tells us that the Dow is now below 7,000 for the first time in nearly a dozen years. And unemployment in my home state has hit double digits.

Still waiting for our bailout, Mr. President.

Boobies of the Day: March 2

I smoke too much of that which kills me and not enough of that which liberates me.

So it goes.

I’m addicted to a song by The Connells called ‘74-’75.

Boobies of the Day: March 1

In the butt! In the butt! In the butt! In the butt!

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 28

I’m feeling lazy. I wish I could spend the day lounging around at the beach.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 27

The perfect woman: White features on a black body.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 26

This girl captures the spirit of Barack Obama’s post-racial America better than anyone.

Not only do the words across her face serve as a welcome to people of a race other than hers, the writing on her body offers nourishment after a long, hot day.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 25

I had been trying to avoid blogging about last week’s chimpanzee attack for fear it would take our boobies blog from too deep into the dark realm of beastiality. But I’m at a loss for topics, so what the hell.

Chimpanzees are vicious creatures, and you probably shouldn’t play with them. You shouldn’t own them. And you definitely shouldn’t treat them like they’re people.

They’re like Gizmo in “Gremlins” — cute for a while but they turn into monsters when provoked. Provoked for Gizmo was when Phoebe Cates and company spilled water on him and fed him after midnight. Provoked for the chimp in question apparently meant drugging the critter on Xanax and plying it with alcohol.

Which takes us to our fourth rule: Don’t get the monkey high on drugs, you idiot!

OK, enough of that. Time for monkey porn.

Monkey blowjob!

Monkey butt play!

Monkey sex!

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 24

Today is Fat Tuesday, the final day of Mardi Gras, and our last hurrah before lent.

It seems America has decided to give up prosperity for lent. I was considering giving up alcohol but instead have decided to give up the monthslong pity party that has overrun my life. The two might go hand-in-hand.

It’s time to take charge and take control. No more weeping over things I messed up or things I can’t change.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 23 (Part II)

It gets worse:

Never look up breast-feeding on the YouTubes.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 23

There is no God!!!!!

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 22

Today is Oscar day, when Hollywood honors its own with a four-hour spectacle of see-thru dresses and self-indulgent tripe.

But this tripe might actually be healthy, at least for the winners.

The always accurate Wikipedia tells me that a 2001 study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that an Academy Award win is a big boost to life expectancy:

Winning an Academy Award can increase a performer’s stature and may add to their longevity. The absolute difference in life expectancy is about equal to the societal consequence of curing all cancers in all people for all time (22, 23). Moreover, movie stars who have won multiple Academy Awards have a survival advantage of 6.0 years (CI, 0.7 to 11.3 years) over performers with multiple films but no victories.

I don’t really know what any of that means, but an updated study revised the claim, saying it adds about 3.6 years to the winner’s life expectancy. Weird, eh?

I already showed you nude pictures of the best actress hopefuls when the nominations were announced (click here to see them again). Instead, I’ll show you nudes of last year’s best actress winner, Marion Cotillard, and best supporting actress winner, Tilda Swinton.

Marion Cotillard nude 1

Marion Cotillard nude 2

Marion Cotillard nude 3

Marion Cotillard nude 4

Tilda Swinton nude 1

Tilda Swinton nude 2

Tilda Swinton nude 3

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 21

The news has been so bleak lately, we all deserve a break.

How about a day at the beach.

Wade in the water. Look out at the surf. Lounge around on the rocks. Walk around like a crab.

Just make sure to bring a towel.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 20

I get a lot of hits from Google image searches, and some of them are quite humorous, such as “Disney bondage” or “Abraham Lincoln anal rape.” But lately I’ve been getting not so humorous ones, including “jr. high porn,” “kiddie porn” and “child nude.”

To the sickos looking for kiddie porn, this is for you.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 19

Sometimes even I feel shame.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 18

The global financial meltdown has put us in the vulnerable position that will make it easier for our alien overlords to take over the planet.

As human males assume their submissive new role, human females will abandoned their genetic predisposition toward the human male form and embrace the alien male form instead.

Fear not. Your boobies blogger will still be here, hard at work on the computer chronicling our times.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 17

Are we slouching toward a communist state?

That seems to the ruling theory, with Newsweek proclaiming us all socialists on last week’s cover, Obama considering nationalizing banks and conservative pundits making comparisons between modern America and the Soviet Union.

I don’t believe much of the propaganda about the Soviet Union that was put out throughout my Cold War youth, but I don’t think it was the paradise some revisionists would have you believe, either.

Mostly, I understand it was a hard place, where Stalin got his share while the proletariat were left unclothed and unfed.

Fear not, comrades. The boobies blog plans to continue regardless of the classification of the body politic.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 16

A little more on porn stars:

I run a popular boobies blog, so it will come as a shock to many readers when I say that I very rarely watch pornographic films.

It’s not that I dislike sex and boobies (obviously!) or have moral reasons to avoid them. It’s just that I don’t care to invest two hours in plot and story-line just to see a little T&A. I prefer my porn in five-minute bursts. OK, 45-second bursts (sorry, ladies).

To this day, I can only name a few porn stars: old legends like John Holmes or Linda Lovelace, uberfamous porn stars like Shannon Tweed, and porn stars whose fame came in part outside of the porn industry like Mary Carey (see yesterday’s post). Apart from that, I’m at a loss.

One exception is Misty Mundae, a diminutive, nerdy porn actress best known for her lampoons of blockbuster films. I came across her movies in an era when I had Cinemax and frequent bouts with insomnia, and I can’t really speak to their quality, though I’ll note we’re all slightly lesser for the demise of blockbuster-parody-porn genre, and I’m glad someone is trying to keep it from becoming extinct.

Misty Mundae’s credits include “Spider-Babe” and “Lord of the G-Strings,” two films that proved quite popular on Skinemax After Dark during that time. I must’ve watched five minutes of each of them 20 times.

Misty does not appeal to the traditional pornographic film viewer, the kind that like big-chested blondes with high-pitched voices and overexaggerated sexual positions. She appeals to guys who like nerdy girls or quirky girls or quirky-nerdy girls.

Misty appeals to me because she bears a striking resemblance to a girl with whom I went to grad school. I lived in the San Fernando Valley, porn capital of the world, at that time, and I always wondered if the two were related. I never found out.

But I have found out through the Internets that Misty is related to Chelsea Mundae, who also does porn. They’re sisters.

The Internets also tell me that Misty Mundae has left the world of soft-core porn for the slightly more legitimate world of B-movie slasher flicks.

The boobies blog wishes her the best.

***

Link to Misty Mundae videos.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 15

Why not have a whore in politics? There have been plenty of politicians in whores.

News out of Louisiana is that fans of porn star Stormy Daniels have created a Web site aimed at drafting her to run for the Senate seat currently held by David Vitter, one of the senators caught up in the D.C. Madam case.

It’s hard to tell if this is a legitimate ballot push by the porn actress and her supporters to get her into office (unlikely) or an attempt by political foes of the kinky incumbent to further disgrace him for his whoremongering ways (more likely). Either way, it’s probably a little much on the part of CNN and other news outlets to devote reporting resources to such a silly thing, especially in an era where unemployment is approaching double figures, the government’s fleecing an insolvent population of trillions of dollars, and foreclosures run rampant.

Seriously, major news outlets, can we drop the moral finger-wagging and political gimmick stories until the bank seizures are over?

It’s worth noting that my home state of California saw a similar phenomenon during our gubernatorial recall election a few years back. That circus of a race included a legion of joke candidates, Gary Coleman and porn star Mary Carey among them. Mary Carey, who took her porn name because of a very slight resemblance to pop tart Mariah Carey, was the second-biggest joke of the campaign, but at least she wasn’t elected.

The biggest joke was Arnold Schwarzenegger, because he actually became governor. The man who appeared alongside a three-breasted woman in “Total Recall” had a rough start, but he seemed to be doing an adequate job for a while. Sadly, his success has ben short-lived.

Arnold’s helped bring the state and its citizens to financial ruin, in part because of his unwillingness to work with legislators to end a budget impasse that has stretched months. The bickering is criminal; the state’s in shambles and the governor is furloughing government employees in the meantime … a move that will further hurt the state come tax time.

We’ll see if Louisiana can learn from California’s mistake.

***

My favorite moment of the recall election came on one of Arnold’s many trips to Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” couch to flirt with the idea of running. Arnold stayed on the couch after his bit, and Snoop Dogg, the next guest, took a seat between the future governor and the Doritos spokesman.

“You could write a campaign rap for Arnold if he runs,” Leno told Dogg.

“Only I bet you couldn’t find anything to rhyme with Schwarzenegger,” Arnold said.

Snoop immediately smiled and giggled and said, “I bet I could. I bet I could.”

The audience was silent, then a few people started to giggle uncomfortably. Leno then realized the rhyme and got red in the face.

Arnold just sat there, too dumb to figure it out.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 14

Today is Valentine’s Day, and if you’re spending the day coming to the boobies blog, chances are you’re spending it alone.

I am, too.

There’s only one thing to do at a time like this: Pity Party.

 

Pity Party!!! Pity Party!!! Shake your naked ass! Shake your naked ass!

Pity Party!!! Pity Party!!! Shake your naked ass! Shake your naked ass!

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 13 (Part II)

Is this a nude picture of Obama’s mom?

A racist conservative site that called her a race traitor and a whore seems to think so, but I’m not so sure.

A cursory Google search for obama’s mother nude turned up a second photo, but there seems to be very little backstory and almost no attempts to debunk them.

Anyone have any information on this?

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 13

I found this charming picture on the Internets, but I’m not quite sure what to make of it. For now I’ll call it the world’s most orderly orgy.

It is group sex, but only in the most technical sense. Everyone is coupled up, and no one is infringing on anyone else’s space. The mirror in the back goes unused by anyone besides the photographer.

Weird.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 12

It’s a nice day for some classical music. Here’s a video of an all-girls orchestra performing nude in Asia.

They aren’t much to listen to, but they’re something to look at.

(The site requires you to log in. In case you don’t want to, here are some stills from it.)

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 11

Has everyone gone crazy? Has society gone mad? Are we headed toward another dark age?

These truly are the end of days.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 10

The news out of Washington remains bleak, with the latest being a Bloomberg story suggesting that the ultimate cost of the bailout has ballooned to $9.7 trillion. That’s enough to pay for 90 percent of the mortgages in America, or at least to bankrupt the entire world into nothingness.

Rather than watching the national debt grow, the boobies blog invites you to watch boobs grow right before your very eyes. Enjoy.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 9 (Part II)

I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Chris Brown/Rihanna dustup from last night.

I’ve only heard two Rihanna songs, and I don’t know Chris Brown from Adam, so I really can’t comment on either.

What I can comment on are boobies, and I’ll note that Rihanna had a nude photo shoot involving water that produced a few photographic gems.

Rihanna nude 1

Rihanna nude 2

Rihanna nude 3

She also appeared scantilly clad on a bed here.

A scouring of Rihanna message boards tells me that the going rumor is that she has an STD (maybe the HIV-plus) and was beat down after telling him. I can’t tell if these people are serious or just trying to be funny.

Definitely being funny is TMZ, with this verbal gem:

We had been hearing there was an umbrella in the car — which would have been the most ironic thing ever — but again… no weapon is alleged. By the way, a persons foot or other body part can be considered a deadly weapon depending on the circumstances.

Boobies of the Day: Feb. 9

A little more about midgets:

It’s funny how you never see midgets among the general population.

You don’t see midget doctors, midget lawyers, midget businessmen, midget teachers.

It’s almost like if you’re a midget, you’re automatically assigned a midget job. You can be an actor, be a porn star, get tossed for a living or join a circus. That’s it.

It must be a sad day for midgets when they realize they won’t have lives like the normals, but instead are forced into midget lives.

School couselor: “What do you want to be when you grow up, Midget Tommy?”

Midget Tommy: “I want to be a scientist.”

School counselor (laughing): “Oh, Tommy, you can’t be a scientist. You’re a midget. You’ll be a professional wrestler with an alcohol problem instead.”

Sigh.